Friday, November 09, 2007

Walking Heavy

Last night, I was getting Claire to bed a little bit later than normal. She was really tired and the book she chose to read was really long. So we did a first couple pages and then she started acting really silly, which is Claire language for saying she is really tired, so I closed the book and said we would finish tomorrow. This started off the big fireworks of tears and screams. Five alarm fire. So I throw her in bed (figuratively, not literally) and let her scream it out. So after several minutes of her screaming at the top of her lungs, I go back in her bedroom to try to talk her down off the ledge (also figuratively), but she was at the point where she was so tired, she was just obsessed about finishing the book. "No," I keep telling her, but she is not having any of it, and I wasn't going to cave into her fit. She starts the gasping for air cry as she tells me "I, gasp, just, gasp, want to, gasp, read the, gasp, book, gasp." Over and over. It was breaking my heart, because she doesn't usually do that hard of a cry. But I was standing my ground, not allowing myself to be manipulated, being a responsible parent, right? I felt bad that she was going to have to sob herself to sleep. I left her again, she continued to scream, and after about ten minute Cody finally goes in to talk to her. After a few minutes, Cody comes out and Claire is quiet. What was the trick, you ask?

He went in and asked Claire what the matter was. She told him in the gasping sobs, oh the humanity, sorta way, "I, gasp, want to read, gasp, the book." So Cody asks her what book she wants to read and she says in a feeble, wounded way, "Can I, gasp, go pick it out, gasp." And she gets out of bed, sneeks across the room as if she was afraid that the small gleam of hope she has been offered might be sucked away at any moment and takes the book to dad. She gets in bed, pulls the covers over her and waits to be told the story. Cody reads for a couple minutes, artfully abridging it, and then kisses Claire goodnight. She goes to sleep peacefully.

When Cody told me what happened, I started to cry because I felt like such a crappy parent. I felt like if I would have just thought it out, I could have done what Cody did and instead of her staying up for an extra half hour crying, she might have gone peacefully to sleep. I felt like I had chosen the wrong battle and in turn, wounded Claire. But I knew, without a doubt, that in the morning, Claire would come knock on my door (that's right, she gets up before I do) and be happy as a lark, showing and feeling no resentment at all for what happened the night before. Isn't that amazing. It's a trait I think most kids have. That unconditional love that lets them let go of someone's mistakes. Unconditional love. And it doesn't hurt that they also have a short memory span.

Speaking of short memory spans, Cody operates in a similar fashion to Claire. I think most men do. They can get into arguments with their friends, be pretty upset about it, and then the next morning, they're done with it. No resentment, no awkwardness the next time they see their friends, no apologies, no grudges. It's just done. Isn't that amazing?

And then there are girls. First off, we take offense at everything; we hold grudges; and we have good memories, so we store, categorize and alphabetize the offense so we can throw it in your face when the most opportune moment next arises. Now, before you take offense at what I just said, let me note that this is a very general generalization. I think very few women actually possess all three traits. But I think probably 90% of us struggle with at least one of these (my personal beast is the third, just ask Cody). And it gets so old. My biggest pet peeve is people getting offended for any and every reason. Then everyone has to walk on eggshells around you. And I am NOT an eggshell-walkin' kinda girl. I walk heavy on my feet! If you know me, you know I am always sticking my foot in my mouth, but really it is in good nature. I don't attack people, I don't want to put people in their place, I don't want to hurt people. I am just an idiot sometimes with how something comes out of my mouth. This is why I need good friends. Good friends with short term memories, who every morning wake up forgetting any past grievances and are ready to laugh at Awkward-Remark Brooke. That is who I surround myself with. Good friends.

Now that is amazing.

13 comments:

Libby said...

Poor Claire. How sad...for you and Claire. Being a parent is not easy. Way to stand your ground. I am impressed. I hate looking back on things and thinking I should have handled it this way. I always do that!
Not that you have ever offended me but I am definitely one that forgets by the next day if not earlier. I always try to stay mad but I can't. I also don't remember that much either. So, I guess we can be friends :)!

Libby said...

Oh by the way I am also tagging you. Check my blog for details.

Liz said...

Hmmm...Soren sounds a lot like Claire with the whole "meltdown" thing. How old is Claire? I was sincerely hoping that this stage would end soon. Maybe I should just hope that it is a stage. :)

I love reading your blog entries. They are so funny and so real. You say what everyone else either tries really hard to cover up or else fails miserably at relating. You say anything...and everything...and you do it well! I always like reading your blog.

tharker said...

I think you are a great parent for standing your ground, and I also think Cody is a great parent for finding an alternative to help Claire get to sleep. THIS is why there needs to be a mother AND a father. When one is not able to bridge the gap, the other one is there to help. I loved this story for this reason. Don't beat yourself up for not handling it the way that Cody did. Hopefully this showed Claire that "You don't negotiate".

I don't get mad at people or offended easily, but when I do, I think I store it away like you do, and then one day, KABOOM! I agree, it's not the best way, but on the other hand I don't want people walking on eggshells around me either. And I can attest that you are indeed a HEAVY WALKER! Everyone in your family is : ) {I really am just talking about walking here!}

rabidrunner said...

I take expreme offense to the note about us (women) being offended easily. (Insert GIANT cheesey grin here).

Great post by the way. See the trouble is, you don't know if ONE book will do the trick. You never know if they (the children) will be happy with that one last promise or if they'll continue to milk it. So eventually, you will need to put the foot down and say enough. Right? But then sometimes, that one last book/promise is all they want. Okay, I'll stop rambling.

Cara said...

Well, your bedtime story felt like a glimpse into our home. We've definitely had that same battle before. Ethan's in that stage right now. Good luck figuring out what battles to fight. Every kid is different. And every day is different. So good luck.

And I have to mention, I have a terrible memory when it comes to being offended. And I know exactly what you mean about "walking heavy". I feel like I'm the same way. I'm rarely offended, but it makes me not realize sometimes that something I say or do is totally offensive to others. Does that makes sense?? So if I've ever offended you...I'm so sorry. Chalk it up to a fellow foot-in-mouth kind of friend. :)

Katie B.C. said...

I understand. I've already had to deal with similar situations with Ariana. We had to let her "cry it out" to get her on a good bedtime schedule. Now she doesn't cry very long at all if I do it right, but every night I wonder if I've cuddled with her enough, if my timing is right, if she's ate enough to go to sleep and stay asleep for at least half the night (she still wakes up for a feeding.) Sometimes I give in to her cries and sometimes I stay strong, but either way she wakes up happy to see me!

Wendi said...

Yeah... I've had experiences like that too. I hate those moments when I realize that I exacerbated the problem rather than making it any better... and it seems like I do it all the time.

Come on, I've never thought of you as "Awkward remark Brooke." Don't be to hard on yourself.

Shells said...

I've recently started ignoring Mikey's fits, but sometimes I wonder if I don't let him have something that I would otherwise let him have, just because he is throwing a fit. I went toy shopping for Mike because he doesn't have many toys and was bored with the ones that he has. We were in the toy section and he saw a Lightening McQueen car that he really wanted and throwed a fit when I wouldn't grab it from the shelf and give it to him. I wasn't going to give into this fit. I started walking away from the toy, trying to ignore his screaming, when I realized that I wasn't getting him that toy for the sole reason that he was throwing a fit. I was there to buy him some toys for crying out loud. So in that instance, I bought him the toy. In many other instances, I have let him cry it out and don't cave. My point -- I'm not exactly sure. Maybe my point is that I wish one and three year olds were smart enough to know that they are less likely to get something by throwing a fit.

Shells said...

What's your opinion, Miss Marriage, Family, and Human Development major. Should I have purchased the toy?

Jana said...

I think it is good to stand your ground. That is how we learn. Us, the parents and the child. And about being offensive. . . oh please!!! You want to talk about offensive?. . . let me have a go at it. :)

Monica said...

That is a sad story. It's interesting that parenting "on the job training". You just have to learn as you go. Sure you handled the situation good and well, but maybe next time you might handel it differently. But I think it was good that you stuck to your guns and didn't give in to the fit. This lets her know that you don't negotiate.

I requested Goose Girl from the library a few weeks ago, and it is still not available. I was number 27 on the waiting list and I think I am number 12 or so by now. Let me know if you like it or not.

Kimo said...

I loved your description af the differences b/w men and women (and kids) - how true! And don't sweat it about Claire, we've all been there before.