Into the thickets

I haven't told anyone I have a blog spot-which may defeat the purpose of having a blog spot. I find it theraputic enough to write down my thoughts and see them published, but I am not sure if I am ready for people who know me to read them. I don't particularly have anything entertaining to write- I just like to write the thoughts that nobody really asks me about and I am too awkward to bring up.

A couple of nights ago, I hosted a cooking club (dessert night, yum) at my house and as usual, the conversation inevitably turned to pregnancy, fertility, etc. In our ward there is a constant flux of pregnancy, people who can't get pregnant, and miscarriages. So the topic of pregnancy can be pretty touchy. One of our friends just announced the she is pregnant with her third child, unplanned, and won't be that much younger than its older brother. I don't know how we started on the subject, but another one of our friends, who hasn't been able to get pregnant and has adopted, started to talk about what it was like to take a pregnancy test and then start her period the next day. She talked about it with a good attitude and a sense of humor, so it didn't cast a gloom on the group, but it did cast a gloom on me. I am not exactly sure why, but I guess it makes me feel a bit insignificant. I know that sounds wierd, but its kinda how I felt.

October marks it a year since we started trying to have a baby. I have been positive about it all along, even after I miscarried this summer, I stayed positive. I didn't get discouraged. But this last month, after two weeks of feeling morning sickness and being a couple days late, I began to think that I was pregnant- and I was really excited at the idea. But then I wasn't and that was the worst feeling I have felt so far. It was the first time I felt discouraged. Thats what made me feel so insignificant- we have been trying for a year, but my friend tried for years before they decided to adopt. She has the right to complain and the right to get sympathy. I don't really have the right because it makes me seem silly in comparison.

Its probably good that no one reads this, because I am sure it doesn't make much sense to anyone, but it really does help me. I remember having a fairy tale book when I was little, and it told a story about three sisters, and the prince agreed to marry the one who could keep a secret. Two of the sisters just couldn't keep the secret inside, it ate at them until finally they let out the secret- into the thickets and down a well. The third sister kept her secret and married the prince. Now as a grown up, I realize what kind of sister I am- the one who needs to let the secret out, even if no one is listening. Thats why I write.